GETTING ALONG
Meanness comes in many forms, and you can stop them all.
by Kathiann M. Kowalski
'I don't want to talk about it!' Ted snapped. His face was scratched up when
he got home from school. It seems another boy bragged he could make a 'ninja'
sword by folding paper. Then he demonstrated the weapon - by lashing out at Ted.
Bullying can start at an early age and grow more intense in the teen years.
Bullying is repeated aggressive behavior or, quite simply, unprovoked
meanness. It's a form of intimidation, which is behavior designed to threaten,
frighten, or coerce someone.
'Bullying doesn't stop when you get out of the third grade,' says Jean O'Neil
of the National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC). Later, it may be called
power-tripping, harassing, or disrespecting. Sexual harassment - unwanted and
unwelcome behavior of a sexual nature-is also a form of bullying.
When teens intimidate each other, they may attack with bats, knives, guns, or
other weapons. The psychological stakes are high too. Physical assaults, vicious
taunts, and exclusion from groups can - and have - led to depression and even
suicide.
Intimidation peaks in junior high. It continues through high school and even
into the workplace. Intimidation is not just 'boys being boys.' Studies show
that girls intimidate other students at least as much as boys. Boys use more
physical force. Girls rely more on teasing, taunting, or excluding others from
groups.
Intimidation occurs for different reasons. Hate, prejudice, immaturity, a
distorted self-image, or lack of respect can underlie harassing behavior. Some
teens pick on others simply to increase their own sense of power.
In any case, bullying is caused by bullies, not their victims. No one
deserves to be intimidated. Everyone has a responsibility to stop intimidation.
How you handle intimidation depends on the situation and your personal style.
Don't feel you have to suffer in silence. And don't be afraid to get help when
necessary.
'I'm a big fan of immediately dealing with the situation,' says Lisa Lybbert
at the NCPC. But dealing with the situation doesn't mean aggravating it, says
Lybbert. 'Escalating the situation too often leads to violence.'
'There are alternatives to violence,' says 16-year-old Jovon Hill of
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 'Really think for yourself, because there are ways
to get out of situations.'
Here's how some teens would handle these bullying situations. How would you
respond?
Suppose a teen keeps tripping you at school. 'First, I would ask the student
to stop,' says Jovon. 'Then if he or she continues, I would take it to one of
the proper authorities at school.'
Frances McNamara of Ventura, California, wouldn't argue with the other
person. The 17-year-old says, 'I would probably go to my counselor or my
principal about it.'
'I would refer it to mediation,' says 17-year-old Gekeita Hill of Violet,
Louisiana. Gekeita is a peer mediator at St. Bernard High School. She likes how
the program provides a forum to talk maturely about feelings and resolve
problems.
Suppose someone badmouths you or spreads rumors. 'The way I handle it is [to]
ignore it,' says Frances. Brushing it off, laughing, or briefly telling taunters
to get a life are all ways of refusing to take the bait. They keep you from
feeling cowed and deprive the bully of any power rush.
Controlled confrontation is another strategy. 'I would go to the student
personally,' says Jovon, 'and ask if there is a problem with me or something.'
'If you are saying these things about me, I would like to know why,' agrees
Gekeita, 'because I don't have a problem with you, and I don't like to make
enemies.'
Suppose someone demands that you hand over your jacket. If you're threatened
with a weapon, hand it over. Then tell someone later. The jacket is not worth
your life.
Otherwise, use good judgment. Frances and Gekeita said they'd probably object
verbally and would definitely report the incident to school authorities. 'I
wouldn't wear an expensive jacket to school anyway,' adds Gekeita.
Jovon said he'd offer to contact social services if the other person really
needed a jacket. Staying calm helps him in tough situations.
Suppose a group of kids makes offensive sexual comments about your body. 'I'm
just going to let them know that's not on my mind at this moment,' says Jovon,
'and that I would really appreciate it if they would stop.'
Frances might ignore minor comments. But she'd report it 'if it was really
offensive and really hurtful.'
'I would probably go to the disciplinarian,' says Gekeita. Sexual harassment
violates civil rights laws, and schools have an obligation to stop it. She might
also pursue peer mediation. 'If they know how you feel about it and how much
it's hurting you,' Gekeita says, 'they'd probably stop it.'
Even if you're not the immediate target of a bully, intimidation
cheapens the quality of life in your school and community. Don't let harassers
have their way.
'Cut it out.' 'Leave them alone.' A few words from you might make
intimidators back down.
If you're uncomfortable speaking out directly, tell school authorities
confidentially about a problem. That's what someone did after Ted was attacked
with the paper knife. That got the problem resolved without revenge or
reprisals.
On a broader level, get some students together to develop or revise your
school's code of conduct. 'Work with the administration, and set up some
standards,' recommends NCPC's O'Neil. One example of an important standard is:
'We treat each other with respect at all times.'
When students help develop school codes of conduct, everyone knows what's
expected. It empowers bullied victims to stand up for themselves. And it tells
bullies that intimidation won't be tolerated.
Current Health 2
February, 1999
Copyright (c) 1999 Weekly Reader Corporation, a PRIMEDIA company. All Rights
Reserved
Sequence Number: 0E4D5CCD4E79DCD5